the courage to be disliked

zk_1000

the courage to be disliked, Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga 2018

someone was mentioning the gordian knot before so it seems like some are familiar with this book. It is a very pleasant read in form of a dialog between a philosopher and a young person, to me at least. Some critics describe the dialog as forced and unnatural, though. The book makes a lot of references to Adlerian psychology, but actually focuses on the philosophy of life.

The conversation is entirely one-sided, with the young person being in charge of asking, arguing and taking time for understanding and the philosopher of explaining, correcting and giving time to understand. They don't officially have a teacher / disciple relationship, they are both simply enjoying their conversation.

In one part of the book the philosopher describes their relationship as horizontal. A horizontal relationship is on equal terms, a vertical relationship contains a hierarchy of authority.

I don't understand how this relationship was considered horizontal. Is that only a matter of choice, such as having an informal chatter with your superior? Isn't mostly the way you are actively participating determining whether a relationship is horizontal or vertical? I think that this relationship is entirely vertical, due to their acting. Perhaps the philosopher is independently also recognizing a horizontal relationship due to their pleasant discussion.

The book also states that we should not praise other people, because praising is a judgement by a person of ability onto a person without ability. This makes that person dependent on a vertical relationship, deriving joy from being praised. This is the case when the teacher praises its student, or the mother its child. If they where on equal terms praising would not work.

I don't think that this is always the case. For example, i praised a woman for her dress. This is not because she wasn't wearing elegant clothes before. It just so happened that i payed attention to it. Another time i praised a coworker for his work. I wasn't involved in his work or had any knowledge in the field, i just happen to have noticed. Both cases caused joy from being praised, but it happened entirely randomly. If these events had been repeated, i wouldn't have noticed. One could argue that others would, and might show a similar reaction. The likelihood of forming a vertical relation is uncertain and depends not only on the praised person but also on other people reactions.